Hi I'm From Yelp Calling About Your Home Cleaning Norfolk Listing

*post from original blog spring 2015-I'd go look to see if the # has changed but some girl from Yelp is already up my ass with the calls and emails*

I get at least  3 of these calls a month from people supposedly from Yelp wanting to 'help' me with my listing.
Normally I say upfront  Listen I'm booked with a 3 month wait list so. . . and they thank me for my time and hang up.
Except tonight. Maybe it's Mercury in Retrograde or maybe dude was super dumb because he was ready to go toe to toe with me on why I NEED to pay them to something something boost my Yelp listing.
Dude guy trying to tell me I'm on page 15. Bitch no. I'm #24. Not page 24. Number 24.
Then he wants to read me the first 5 people in the Home Cleaning category for Norfolk on Yelp. Since he read them to me I know he searched Housecleaning.
#1-eco-friendly pet friendly team house cleaning. innovative cleaning options. get your deal on.
#2-pressure washing service. not even the right category.
#3-franchise home cleaning service with a bad review.
#4-carpet cleaning service. again wrong category.
#5-already out of business. domain is available. maybe i should buy it. moving on
#6-aaand another carpet cleaning service.
#7-is a house cleaning/remodel/we buy houses/ yeah um ok. i call miscategorized.
#8-yet another carpet cleaner
#9-oh look an actual local same cleaner every time home cleaning service in Norfolk.
#10-senior concierge and errand service.
So basically those 4200 people a month  searching for cleaning services like mine (his words) called #1, maaaaaaybe called #9 or more likely said FUCK THIS after page 1 and typed some specific search terms into yelp.
IF they typed in Green Housecleaning-I'm #15.
IF they are my target clientele, they typed in (keywords I'm not sharing here) where I'm what number? NUMBER ONE.  
Dude from Yelp wasn't trying to hear was me saying to him point blank "the most important thing in business is KNOWING who your target clients are and going after them."
Niche SEO Bitches. I knows it. I uses it.
Your 4200 searches ain't shit to start with-but trust my maybe 10 targeted specific searches a month are people looking for me, myself and I.
This is why I stay booked with great long term cleaning clients.
This is also why I won't pay dude from Yelp a dime to help me do fuck all in the general category of Home Cleaning.
Those are not my clients.

*if you're reading this, you probably are my client-welcome-lemmie fix your life*

Top Search Term: Norfolk Nude House Cleaners

What keywords do people type into search engines to find your site?
My top search keyword is 'norfolk nude house cleaners'
You now what? You dirty ass dudes are dirty.
Thankfully some of you have the good sense to realize you really want a clean house more than pseudo cleaners/hookers.
I love you dirty sons of bitches. So much.
Thanks for choosing a real cleaning lady over a nude 'house cleaner'.

An Open Letter to Chrissie the Crackhead Cleaner

Dearest Chrissie*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you-for being utterly full of fail and unreliable.
Thank you for doing less than a fuck all job of pretending to clean.
Thank you for your excuses and stories and lack of communication.
Because of you, I stay booked with a wait list.
You keep being your half ass self girl.
I love fixing your fail. It's what I do best.
~Me

*not her real name-but it does start with a C

Degrease All The Things

I bathe in coconut oil. For real.
I make this bath scrub with 2 parts brown sugar/1 part coconut oil/1 part Dr Bronner's (Almond).
This mix is great for my skin but my acrylic bathtub is a slip and slide of death.
It MUST be de-greased after I use it. On the plus side, the tub is a great testing ground for using various de-greasers.

409-It smells terrible. Fake lemon scent of death.
It does a meh job. Running plain hot water does the same job as this shit.
I breathed some in one day-WTF?!? Listen I huff chemicals on the real and that shit is vile.
It won't even get you high. Leave it on shelf.

Simple Green-once upon a time it was my go to.
They changed up something and it has an odd chemical-ish smell and doesn't clean worth a shit.
Nope nope nope is the nicest thing I can say about this product.

CitraSolv-I make no secret that I love me some CitraSolv.
HOWEVER...it will strip the finish right off some stuff it not diluted properly (this is important) and HOLY ORANGE SCENT.
I love the smell. The hubs-does not.
I would put this in my #1 spot if it scent didn't bother the Mr so much.

'Homemade' degreaser- 1 tsp original blue dawn 1/4c vinegar and water in a spray bottle.
Some people add lemon or orange oil to the mix. It's not required and I don't recommend getting all fancy with Essential Oils if you have pets or allergies and/or don't know wtf you're doing with EOs.
As a de-greaser it does a pretty ok job and is the most cost effective of the bunch.
It also does well as a general cleaner. Highly recommend.

For all of these I sprayed the product into my tub, let it sit 5 minutes and rinsed with hot straight out the tap City of Norfolk water.

No I Am Not Hiring

At least twice a week, I get this call: Can I speak to your hiring manager? Are you hiring?
Never mind every page of my website clearly says I am not hiring-ever.
Obviously those words mean call me anyway.
To add insult to the stupid, these calls are usually around noon. Bitch please.
I like to sleep in till 930 on any day that ends in day but NOON?
Girl you are not even serious about trying to work.
You don't call ANY business at Noon asking about no damn job. Especially a maid service.
You know where house cleaners are at noon? WORK. That's where.


I like my clients knowing they can rely on me and me and me.
So no, I'm not hiring.
Ever.