Monday, May 23, 2016

Eco-Friendly Housecleaning Norfolk, Virginia June 2016

I  have ONE count it ONE opening on TUESDAYS for bi-weekly or weekly house cleaning in NORFOLK VIRGINIA.
I cater to busy urban professionals, interesting eclectics and those who proudly (or discreetly) define themselves as ‘alternative lifestyle’ seeking green cleaning services of houses, apartments or condos in Norfolk, Virginia.
My clientele want the best value for their dollar, not the best bargain in town.
It’s your home. You paid a lot of money for it and probably for the things inside of it.
When you hire a maid, you get what you pay for.

About Me:
Private Independent Maid Service
Hampton Roads Local
Eco-Friendly Green Cleaner
20+ Years Residential Cleaning Experience
Ridiculously Pet Friendly
Resident Dr Friendly
Fabulous Verifiable References

I don't hire or contract other cleaners-ever. You get me, me annnnnnnnnd me. Every time.

 My Website

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Hi I'm From Yelp Calling About Your Home Cleaning Norfolk Listing

*post from original blog spring 2015-I'd go look to see if the # has changed but some girl from Yelp is already up my ass with the calls and emails*

I get at least  3 of these calls a month from people supposedly from Yelp wanting to 'help' me with my listing.
Normally I say upfront  Listen I'm booked with a 3 month wait list so. . . and they thank me for my time and hang up.
Except tonight. Maybe it's Mercury in Retrograde or maybe dude was super dumb because he was ready to go toe to toe with me on why I NEED to pay them to something something boost my Yelp listing.
Dude guy trying to tell me I'm on page 15. Bitch no. I'm #24. Not page 24. Number 24.
Then he wants to read me the first 5 people in the Home Cleaning category for Norfolk on Yelp. Since he read them to me I know he searched Housecleaning.
#1-eco-friendly pet friendly team house cleaning. innovative cleaning options. get your deal on.
#2-pressure washing service. not even the right category.
#3-franchise home cleaning service with a bad review.
#4-carpet cleaning service. again wrong category.
#5-already out of business. domain is available. maybe i should buy it. moving on
#6-aaand another carpet cleaning service.
#7-is a house cleaning/remodel/we buy houses/ yeah um ok. i call miscategorized.
#8-yet another carpet cleaner
#9-oh look an actual local same cleaner every time home cleaning service in Norfolk.
#10-senior concierge and errand service.
So basically those 4200 people a month  searching for cleaning services like mine (his words) called #1, maaaaaaybe called #9 or more likely said FUCK THIS after page 1 and typed some specific search terms into yelp.
IF they typed in Green Housecleaning-I'm #15.
IF they are my target clientele, they typed in (keywords I'm not sharing here) where I'm what number? NUMBER ONE.  
Dude from Yelp wasn't trying to hear was me saying to him point blank "the most important thing in business is KNOWING who your target clients are and going after them."
Niche SEO Bitches. I knows it. I uses it.
Your 4200 searches ain't shit to start with-but trust my maybe 10 targeted specific searches a month are people looking for me, myself and I.
This is why I stay booked with great long term cleaning clients.
This is also why I won't pay dude from Yelp a dime to help me do fuck all in the general category of Home Cleaning.
Those are not my clients.

Top Search Term: Norfolk Nude House Cleaners

What keywords do people type into search engines to find your site?
My top search keyword is 'norfolk nude house cleaners'
You now what? You dirty ass dudes are dirty.
Thankfully some of you have the good sense to realize you really want a clean house more than pseudo cleaners/hookers.
I love you dirty sons of bitches. So much.
Thanks for choosing a real cleaning lady over a nude 'house cleaner'.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

An Open Letter to Chrissie the Crackhead Cleaner

Dearest Chrissie*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you-for being utterly full of fail and unreliable.
Thank you for doing less than a fuck all job of pretending to clean.
Thank you for your excuses and stories and lack of communication.
Because of you, I stay booked with a wait list.
You keep being your half ass self girl.
I love fixing your fail. It's what I do best.

*not her real name-but it does start with a C

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Degrease All The Things

I bathe in coconut oil. For real.
I make this bath scrub with 2 parts brown sugar/1 part coconut oil/1 part Dr Bronner's (Almond).
This mix is great for my skin but my acrylic bathtub is a slip and slide of death.
It MUST be de-greased after I use it. On the plus side, the tub is a great testing ground for using various de-greasers.

409-It smells terrible. Fake lemon scent of death.
It does a meh job. Running plain hot water does the same job as this shit.
I breathed some in one day-WTF?!? Listen I huff chemicals on the real and that shit is vile.
It won't even get you high. Leave it on shelf.

Simple Green-once upon a time it was my go to.
They changed up something and it has an odd chemical-ish smell and doesn't clean worth a shit.
Nope nope nope is the nicest thing I can say about this product.

CitraSolv-I make no secret that I love me some CitraSolv. will strip the finish right off some stuff it not diluted properly (this is important) and HOLY ORANGE SCENT.
I love the smell. The hubs-does not.
I would put this in my #1 spot if it scent didn't bother the Mr so much.

'Homemade' degreaser- 1 tsp original blue dawn 1/4c vinegar and water in a spray bottle.
Some people add lemon or orange oil to the mix. It's not required and I don't recommend getting all fancy with Essential Oils if you have pets or allergies and/or don't know wtf you're doing with EOs.
As a de-greaser it does a pretty ok job and is the most cost effective of the bunch.
It also does well as a general cleaner. Highly recommend.

For all of these I sprayed the product into my tub, let it sit 5 minutes and rinsed with hot straight out the tap City of Norfolk water.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Pet Friendly Housecleaner in Norfolk Va July 2016 Schedule

How is it mid-May already?!?
I have a spot or two open for monthly or bi-weekly clients starting July 2014 in Norfolk, Va.
Weekly house cleaning-as much as I would love to take your money every single week, I have nothing open at the moment.

Don't try to con me with your 3000+ sq ft McMansion of fuckery. NO. DO NOT WANT.
Taking on your 4 bedroom house is not going to make either of us happy. Trust me on this.

Ridiculously pet friendly, green cleaning lady.
Unless you have pet spiders or scorpions or things that are venomous -then I'm scared-but I'll still come clean your house!
I come with excellent completely verifiable references from real cleaning clients-that will also tell you about my pet friendliness.
I don’t use tobacco, show up drunk/hungover, have childcare issues or got a ride from some weird dude sitting outside in his car waiting/blowing up my phone. Nooooooooope. Because fuck that.

Hot messes with intact checkbooks always welcome. Please no hoarders, pearl clutchers or un-medicated crazies-we have to have limits you know.
To schedule your cleaning, please email me

Be sure to include the important info about your place-bedrooms, bathrooms, pets, counter/appliance/flooring types, level of fail going on-an address or at least a neighborhood is helpful to figure out where I can fit you in to my schedule.
For your convenience and/or peace of mind, I gladly book initial cleanings on Saturdays and Sundays..

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Doctor Residency Norfolk Virginia MatchDay2016

If you're a Dr starting a residency in Norfolk or Portsmouth Virginia and are looking for a cleaning lady starting July/August 2016-LET'S TALK.
I understand the special needs of Resident Physicians.
Night shift this week and Day shift the next? No problem.
Forgot to call and tell me this until day of? No problem.
Dishes not done for a week? No problem.
Trail of scrubs from door to bathroom? No problem.
Place looks like it was tossed? No problem.
Fistful of references from other Resident Physicians? No problem.
I LOVE my Resident Doctors. They love me.

Bonus: I will NEVER ask you to look at this (insert weird thing here) or write me scrips for controlled substances.  Not ever.

Email me Subject: MATCHDAY2016

Year Round Drug Takeback Program Norfolk Virginia

Information Courtesy of: Public Information Officer Daniel Hudson Norfolk Police Department
NORFOLK, VA – The Norfolk Police Department and the Norfolk Sheriff’s Office have partnered to help collect unwanted or expired prescription drugs with a new, permanent Drug-Take-Back Program.
Although the Drug Enforcement Administration’s National Pharmaceutical Take-Back Day is a great one-time opportunity, it only provides a temporary solution to an ongoing need.
In response to this need, Norfolk’s law enforcement developed a year-round program which offers ongoing access and a permanent solution for the safe disposal of unwanted and expired medicines.
Additionally, disposal is provided at no cost and is completely anonymous. The permanent Drug-Take-Back bin is now located inside the Public Safety Building at 811 E. City Hall Avenue and is available Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. to all private citizens. Doctors’ offices, hospitals, veterinary and pharmaceutical reps may not use the bin.
Cleaning out your medicine cabinets can not only save space, it may actually save a life! Medicines in the home are a leading cause of accidental poisoning and rates of prescription drug abuse are alarmingly high – over half of teens abusing medicines get them from a family member or friend, including the home medicine cabinet, and often without their knowledge.
Check out the Drug-Take-Back bin basics and help keep our communities safe:
• Open to all private citizens.
• Accepts all unwanted or expired prescription medicines.
• Both solid and liquid pharmaceuticals are accepted. Liquid containers must be secured and free from spillage/leakage prior to deposit.
• May dispose of medication in its original container, or remove the medication and deposit it directly into the bin.
• Special assistance is available for elderly or disabled citizens.
Items not covered under new program:
o Ammunition
o Chemicals or Flammable Materials
o Illegal drugs (cocaine, heroin, marijuana, methamphetamine, etc.)
o Syringes/Needles
o Inappropriate or Dangerous Substances

Want to use the Drug-Take-Back bin, but still have questions?
Contact the Norfolk Police Department’s Property and Evidence Division at 757-664-4148.
You can also view their video about this program here:

No I Am Not Hiring

At least twice a week, I get this call: Can I speak to your hiring manager? Are you hiring?
Nevermind every page of my website clearly says I am not hiring-ever.
Obviously those words mean call me anyway.
To add insult to the stupid, these calls are usually around noon. Bitch please.
I like to sleep in till 930 on any day that ends in day but NOON? Girl you are not even serious about trying to work.
You don't call ANY business at Noon asking about no damn job. Especially a maid service.
You know where house cleaners are at noon? WORK. That's where.
---and don't even think about putting me down on a job search form. I will tell them I don't know who the hell you are and that my website clearly states I am not hiring. EVER.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Moving House

...well my internet house anyway.  Things might go missing and then re-appear and then go missing again. That's the way it is with moving.

meanwhile~ I *may* be entertaining the thought of new cleaning clients in Norfolk, Va. Potential clients will not have a monster house or multiple children. Smaller condos, apartments or houses. Not trying to be rude, I just don't have the opening for larger or more challenging types of house cleaning at this time.

#matchday2016 #evms #chkd #bonsecour #sentara year 1, 2 or 3 Resident Drs welcome to inquire.

email friendly cleaning lady in Norfolk, Virginia