Pet Friendly Green Cleaning Lady for Habitually Disorganized Professionals in Norfolk, Virginia

Is this you? Are you a hot fucking mess of fail when it comes to keeping your house straight?
Do you just buy new socks and underwear because laundry is hard?
Is cleaning just beyond your time and skill set? Is throwing money at it your #1 problem solving move?
I am THE magic fairy of fail and fuckery in the 757-accept no substitutes.
I can't fix your dating life, your job or your cray family drama---but I can fix this bullshit here.
Throw your dollars at me.
Come home to clean sheets, clean laundry, clean toilets, clean counters, clean microwave, clean floors.
Come home to OMG someone fixed my shit.

Selectively accepting new clients living in squalor and utter fail in Norfolk, Virginia.
Please no hoarding situations or larger homes.


#housecleaning #petfriendly #cleanallthethings #thatgreenmaid #evms #pnmc #sentara #bonsecours #residency #matchday #intern #futuredr

email: bek@thatgreenmaid.com
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Moms to be- Is Your Cleaning Lady Vaccinated?

Vaccines are a touchy subject with some people. Especially grown ass people who don't believe they need a booster vaccine because they grown and you can't tell grown people shit.

I clean for a shit-ton of Doctors. Specifically pediatricians. #chkd #nmpc #evms

Yesterday while some of my Doctors were out there doing the #marchforscience I was out getting my Tdap vaccine updated.

Protesting isn't my thing. #marchforscience #vaccinessavelives

A post shared by ~Bek (@thatgreenmaid) on



I have multiple clients that have either:
recently given birth
are due to give birth soon
have just found out they are pregnant
are actively trying to get pregnant

Whooping cough kills babies ya'll. #vaccinessavelives
Anyone that is going to spend time in or around newborns should get that Tdap booster vaccine.
Don't get butthurt if a new mom says oh hell to no on you being in close quarters with her new baby because you failed to do so.
For us grown folks, whooping cough is usually mild and easily assumed to be "just a cold".
Did I mention whooping cough KILLS babies. Legit. Kills. It is horrific.
Even pregnant woman are strongly encouraged to get a Tdap booster between 27-36 weeks with EVERY SINGLE pregnancy.

At the end of the day you do you. Me-I got my Tdap. ...and I have a few openings for new clients in Norfolk, Va. Expecting and new moms welcome.

Essential Oil Aromatherapy Toxin Free Housecleaning

Now that I've gotten your attention with some crunchy buzzwords...
This is not something I offer as a service and Imma explain a little of the why.

Not all essential oils (EOs) A-actually (EOs) and B-are safe to use around pets or kids.
Cats have a long ass list of EOs that are super duper toxic to them.
Dogs also have a list of EOs that they shouldn't be exposed to randomly.
Birds and fishes and all those other small exotics kids like to have---yeah they got a list of NO to EO as well.
Trying to remember what compounds are and aren't safe with which species is just not something I want to worry myself with in the name of cleaning your home.

Kristen Bell's book Holistic Aromatherapy for Animals is a must have for anyone interested in oils and how they positively and (sometimes negatively) interact with animals.

...moving on to humans...

If someone in your home has asthma, a lot of the clean smelling, breath of fresh air EOs are full of VOC (volatile organic compounds), which will probably trigger an asthma attack.

The EOs that are allegedly "good for allergies" are some of the very ones people are commonly allergic to either via breathing or skin contact.
My husband is very scent sensitive. Some of my favorite scents are completely off-limits because they trigger violent sneezing fits or all out hayfever type allergic reaction.

I've heard people (read: EO sales consultants) say shit like 'breaking out after using an EO is your body detoxing', or the oil is inferior quality.
No boo-it's an allergic reaction.


Further reading:
Robert Tisserand and Rodney Young-Essential Oil Safety: A Guide For Healthcare Professionals 2nd Edition.
This book is a must have for anyone interested in using EOs in their everyday life. Robert Tisserand is a highly respected authority in the field of aromatherapy and essential oil use and safety.

This isn't meant to scare anyone off using Essential Oils or Aromatherapy housecleaning.
I use EOs in daily life and have done so for over 20 years.
I feel it's important to make and use EO based cleaning products in your home safely.

Housecleaner Norfolk Va Pet Friendly Green Cleaner December 2016 Schedule

I should not even get people riled up...because MamaB has nothing open in December 2016 for new cleaning clients in Norfolk, Virginia.

*double checks*
Nope. Nothing. For the 9th year running, I have the absolute best clients that ensure every single open spot in December is booked.
A girl cannot ask for better.

No-I don't know anyone that currently cleans houses. I don't know if XYZ is reputable.
I can tell you this-if a cleaning company is offering a rock bottom deal in December for holiday cleaning-RUN. Why would anyone need to do that? There is not a shortage of clients seeking house cleaning services in Norfolk, Virginia.
#freeadvice

Thank you for a wonderful 2016.
Feb/Mar 2017 is when I expect to have openings for busy professionals (looking at you EVMS residents) seeking an independent, pet friendly, green cleaner.

Featured Expert Housecleaner

So...I got this email today.
'Hi Rebecca,

Just a heads up, we've mentioned you as one of the best house cleaners in Virginia Beach! 

As you’ll see on the award page below, we highlighted the top 16 experts out of hundreds of house cleaners that we reviewed:

www.fuckifimmalinktoyou.nope

We’re creating lists of the best local professionals in each US city to give our readers the confidence they need to make the right choice. To do so, we analyzed and scored each business across 25 criteria. 
 
Hope you like the feature and looking forward to getting your feedback.

Best,

He Who Tried It With Me
p.s. I respect your time. If you prefer that I no longer follow up with you, please let me know.'

Me: I'm not based in Virginia Beach nor do I service Virginia Beach. I have no plans of doing so in the near or distant future. 

He Who Tried It With Me: Sorry about the mix up Rebecca, where do you primarily service?

Wait-so lemmmie get this straight. You listed me as "best of" "top 16". You analyzed and scored across 25 criteria but can't remember that the front page of my website clearly states 5 different times where I service?
Yeah-take that ish up the road. I don't want no parts of that.

Cheap House Cleaners Buyer Beware

I make no secret that I have 0 patience for cheap ass cut rate house cleaners.
I just looked at a few ads on the CL and... It all smells like dollar store pine cleaner and dirty vacuums.
Imma say this with 1000000000% certainty. If someone is cleaning your house for next to nothing-they are not paying a dime in taxes on that income.
Some people shrug and say whatever-I'm getting a deal. It's not whatever. If your cut rate cleaner isn't paying her taxes, isn't legally cleared to work or is committing benefit fraud-that shit falls on you. In Hampton Roads, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone that has a security clearance of some kind courtesy of DoD.
Think some fail involving tax evasion or benefit fraud isn't going to affect your clearance? Trust, you gonna fucked on that deal.
If that doesn't move you, Imma just copy and paste some actual ads (in bold):

MOVE OUT/MOVE IN UNDER $50
Are you fucking for real with this? A 1 bedroom apt make ready cleaning is like 4 hours every day that ends with day. Self cleaning oven is 3 hours...oh wait...
*interior of your refrigerator and stove for an extra charge.
Gurl bye. That is standard move in/out service. Extra charge. Get the entire hell out.

Know what I do for $50? A one bedroom/one occupant/no pets weekly cleaning service. I don't know any reputable cleaner that is gonna get out of bed for a $50 move out clean. 

I'm available 24/7. My rates are negotiable.
RUN. I know some cleaners (myself included) that do 2nd and 3rd shift cleaning but 24/7. Nuhuh. And will let you decide their worth? It's all red flags. Don't listen to me.

If Your not satisfied with my services your gaurenteed free service ..
I'm not satisfied with this sentence. It might need to go to rehab.

CLEANING SPECIAL!!! Basic one-time cleaning for $50 if you have a 2 bedroom! NO ESTIMATE, THIS IS THE PRICE!  CALL (5fiven0pe who still does that)  First come first serve! Only but so many slots, so get yours today!

(Redacted) are my district areas. If you need cleaning done in (also redacted)? There will be a $10 traveling charge. 

Also, if you can't supply your own vacuum, mop, broom, and dustpan, that will be an extra $5. I will provide everything else!
Girl...


There is a world of difference between me using your vacuum/mop/broom/dustpan because either you prefer/convenience/pets and charging me you extra for using something I should already supply.

A dollar says they all use generic spray duster on your good wood furniture.





Certified Green House Cleaner

Green Seal Certified 'eh? Sounds impressive but wtf does it mean???
It means if I pay someone a fee they will certify my services are indeed green.
Hmm
Interesting.

These someones are not a 'entity' that you or I recognize-you know like the EPA or Good Housekeeping...so um...yeah I should pay you because why exactly?

"Institute of the Not Functioning Website (not their real name) certification works on both the perception of value for your company with your customers, and we strongly encourage the reality that you implement a Green practice with your Green products. Now, perception and reality agree, and your company needs not worry that you only pretend to be a Green janitorial service. To have a true certification, a reliable and third party program needs to set the standard of achievement and validate the accomplishment of those standards. "

Wait what?
I pay you and you give me the certification but I don't HAVE to be green?
I can pretend?
Reliable? I have no idea who you are and neither do my clients.
Yeah-no. Not this girlie.

This other program I have to pay based on the amount of employees I have
certification starts at $190
The Green Bullshit Certification does not sell or endorse products, charge for literature, offer or sell training courses.
Well that's good to know-then what am I paying for???

"Once achieving the Bullshit Green Certification, (real company named redacted) will e-mail the seals for your marketing effort. We suggest you display the seal(s) on your stationery, business cards, bid proposals and web site as anyone who sees it will be impressed. In a few days you will receive a package with your certificate and other marketing materials and the press release will be sent. For maximum image and marketing effort, we suggest you e-mail a copy of our press release to all your clients and prospects."

For real? I don't think so.
I understand people are easily impressed by seals and official looking things.
I'd rather WOW you with my work...but what do I know?
Spam my clients and prospects-because that always gets the business...NOT

I think I'm going to pass on the green house cleaner bullshit certification.
You need proof I'm a green cleaner?
Look in my cleaning bucket.