Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts

Saturday

Housecleaning for the Chronically Cluttered Norfolk, Virginia

Accepting New Clients Mid JULY 2021

I have multiple housecleaning clients leaving me for new adventures in far away places. I will have openings in Norfolk, Va for housecleaning starting July 2021. If you have verbal orders or are trying to #matchday2020 here-let's talk. Soon.

If you are a hot mess of fail seeking a pet friendly maid / life fixer, I am the only person in the 757 to call. Accept no substitutes.
Incoming and current resident physicians strongly encouraged to inquire. 
#chkd #evms #nmcp #sentara #bonsecours #matchday2021 #residentdr #fellowship

Anyone can come clean your house but not anyone will:
come on a weekend or after hours.
come let you in when you've locked yourself out.
overnight fed-ex your phone when you're out of town.
pick you up from the airport at are you serious right now o'clock.
move your cleaning last minute because you forgot you're on a nightfloat / postcall this week...and not charge you for it.
scoop out that nasty litter box because you're literally home only to sleep.
handle your laundry because again...literally home to sleep.

Is your life at this level of WTFICAN'TEVEN?

I got you. MamaB knows your life. I will come fix this fuckery every week. Or every other week. If it's this bad, you really need me cleaning your house every week.




Listen-If you're particular about how you prefer your home cleaned-DON'T CALL ME. I'm not the cleaner for you. No really, don't call me. If you've been through multiple maids and no one does it how you like-I don't want you as a cleaning client. DO.NOT.WANT. I literally cannot stress this enough. I cater to super busy professionals who just can't even when it comes to housework type adulting. You will be unhappy. I will be unhappy. No one wants that. There is a housecleaner out there that caters to your particular brand of persnickety---it just isn't me.

If you need to check me out some more *cough cough internet sleuth* before deciding to entrust me with your pets, key and alarm codes-I'm thatgreenmaid on Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Reddit. Trust and believe I am who I am online and off.



Email: bek@thatgreenmaid.com
Phone/Text: (757) 955.5274

Monday

Why Don't You Just Expand Your Cleaning Service and Hire Employees?

My house cleaning services been mostly booked with a long wait-list for years.

Yesterday I'm pulling up to a cleaning client's house and their neighbor asks me for a business card. As I'm handing it to her, I give her the 'listen, I'm booked solid with a very long wait list and it might be a minute'.

and she's so very nice and I reaaaaalllly wanna take her on as a client but I truly do not have a space open.  MamaB needs time to clean her own filthy ass hovel.

This very nice lady says to me-why don't you just expand your cleaning service and hire employees? It's a question I've been asked a lot in the past few years.

So...here's why I don't hire people.

1. I can coax an employee to show up but I cannot make them care about my client's cleaning needs. At the end of the day, if a client is unhappy with their cleaning it's on me and me alone. My name is all I have. I'm not gonna rely on someone else to make or break my hard-earned good reputation in the name of a dollar.

2. Hiring employees means higher overhead. Quality employees deserve quality wages and I don't mean $10 hour. I'm not getting out of bed for that and I'd never ask anyone to clean for that. Employees mean setting up a different ownership structure, payroll and different insurance and more cleaning supplies...oh and having to actually rent a commercial space for said employees-because running a cleaning service out of your house is a nope.
I've worked for people who have run a cleaning business out of their house and I know firsthand what kind of shit comes with that. nuhuh. It's a hard pass for me.

3. I'd have to tell 75% of my current cleaning clients that certain services are no longer offered because of "liability issues" and "bio-hazards". I legally cannot require an employee to pick up animal waste on the floor or soiled diapers that have been mislaid. I'd have to tell clients their pets have to be crated or behind a door. Laundry service? Yeah there'd be no more of that.

4. People. Just no. I can't. I don't want to. The first time I'm hearing some excuses on a Friday about why they can't/won't gonna leave me hanging with 3 houses to clean Imma have to refrain from saying some shit that will get me sued. I don't wanna have to watch employees and wonder if they are trustworthy or will they break something or say some shit to insult my clients or...yeah just no. I don't like people enough to put up with that level of nope.

I'm happy working 6-7 days a week. I'm happy with petting all the dogs, scooping up cat shit and fixing fuckery.
This type of housecleaning isn't for everyone. I'm not the maid for everyone and that's ok.



Saturday

Pet Friendly Green Housecleaning Lady in Norfolk, Virginia

About me:
Professional, dependable ridiculously pet friendly green cleaning lady in Norfolk, Va.
Specializing in green cleaning services of houses, apartments and condos.
Over 20 years experience in residential housecleaning.
Fabulous verifiable residential housekeeping references.

I specialize in disorder, disarray and utter chaos.
If you just can't seem to get your home "ready" for the cleaning lady or other cleaning services have turned you away for being a hot mess of fail-I'm THE maid to call.


Check out my recommendations on LinkedIn




Sunday

Housecleaning Services for Resident Physicians Norfolk, Virginia



I have precious few slots open for some one-time pre-holiday cleaning or dependable monthly cleaning clients in Norfolk and the Wesleyan / Shore Drive side of Virginia Beach.

Let's talk.

Before you get an excite: I do not take on complete cleans of larger homes.
You are better served by a team cleaning service than an independent maid.
Trust me. No I don't have a recommendation.


Dearest Interns, Resident, Attending, Chiefs of Staff and Fellowship Doctors.
Hey. Hi. You need me. My last FIVE peds Interns have or will be Chiefs. Why?
Because driven Doctors are not fucking around with mundane things like laundry, trash, dishes and vacuuming. Come see why I've been called a necessity in Norfolk.
#nightfloat #24hourcall #usmle #medlife #matchday2019 #evms #nmcp #chkd


Me: Ridiculously pet friendly dependable green cleaning lady in Norfolk, Virginia. Excellent Verifiable references.
I don't hire or contract other cleaners. Same person every time.

Cyber-sleuth me on these sites:

LinkedIn
Twitter
Facebook
Instagram

Contact:
Email: bek@thatgreenmaid.com
Phone: 757.955.5274

Pet Friendly Green Cleaning Lady for Habitually Disorganized Professionals in Norfolk, Virginia

Is this you? Are you a hot fucking mess of fail when it comes to keeping your house straight?
Do you just buy new socks and underwear because laundry is hard?
Is cleaning just beyond your time and skill set? Is throwing money at it your #1 problem solving move?
I am THE magic fairy of fail and fuckery in the 757-accept no substitutes.
I can't fix your dating life, your job or your cray family drama---but I can fix this bullshit here.
Throw your dollars at me.
Come home to clean sheets, clean laundry, clean toilets, clean counters, clean microwave, clean floors.
Come home to OMG someone fixed my shit.

Selectively accepting new clients living in squalor and utter fail in Norfolk, Virginia.
Please no hoarding situations or larger homes.


#housecleaning #petfriendly #cleanallthethings #thatgreenmaid #evms #pnmc #sentara #bonsecours #residency #matchday #intern #futuredr

email: bek@thatgreenmaid.com
Facebook: thatgreenmaid
Twitter: thatgreenmaid
Instagram: thatgreenmaid
Pinterest: thatgreenmaid

Thursday

Housecleaner Norfolk Va Pet Friendly Green Cleaner December 2016 Schedule

I should not even get people riled up...because MamaB has nothing open in December 2016 for new cleaning clients in Norfolk, Virginia.

*double checks*
Nope. Nothing. For the 9th year running, I have the absolute best clients that ensure every single open spot in December is booked.
A girl cannot ask for better.

No-I don't know anyone that currently cleans houses. I don't know if XYZ is reputable.
I can tell you this-if a cleaning company is offering a rock bottom deal in December for holiday cleaning-RUN. Why would anyone need to do that? There is not a shortage of clients seeking house cleaning services in Norfolk, Virginia.
#freeadvice

Thank you for a wonderful 2016.
Feb/Mar 2017 is when I expect to have openings for busy professionals (looking at you EVMS residents) seeking an independent, pet friendly, green cleaner.

Monday

Cheap House Cleaners Buyer Beware

I make no secret that I have 0 patience for cheap ass cut rate house cleaners.
I just looked at a few ads on the CL and... It all smells like dollar store pine cleaner and dirty vacuums.
Imma say this with 1000000000% certainty. If someone is cleaning your house for next to nothing-they are not paying a dime in taxes on that income.
Some people shrug and say whatever-I'm getting a deal. It's not whatever. If your cut rate cleaner isn't paying her taxes, isn't legally cleared to work or is committing benefit fraud-that shit falls on you. In Hampton Roads, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone that has a security clearance of some kind courtesy of DoD.
Think some fail involving tax evasion or benefit fraud isn't going to affect your clearance? Trust, you gonna fucked on that deal.
If that doesn't move you, Imma just copy and paste some actual ads (in bold):

MOVE OUT/MOVE IN UNDER $50
Are you fucking for real with this? A 1 bedroom apt make ready cleaning is like 4 hours every day that ends with day. Self cleaning oven is 3 hours...oh wait...
*interior of your refrigerator and stove for an extra charge.
Gurl bye. That is standard move in/out service. Extra charge. Get the entire hell out.

Know what I do for $50? A one bedroom/one occupant/no pets weekly cleaning service. I don't know any reputable cleaner that is gonna get out of bed for a $50 move out clean. 

I'm available 24/7. My rates are negotiable.
RUN. I know some cleaners (myself included) that do 2nd and 3rd shift cleaning but 24/7. Nuhuh. And will let you decide their worth? It's all red flags. Don't listen to me.

If Your not satisfied with my services your gaurenteed free service ..
I'm not satisfied with this sentence. It might need to go to rehab.

CLEANING SPECIAL!!! Basic one-time cleaning for $50 if you have a 2 bedroom! NO ESTIMATE, THIS IS THE PRICE!  CALL (5fiven0pe who still does that)  First come first serve! Only but so many slots, so get yours today!

(Redacted) are my district areas. If you need cleaning done in (also redacted)? There will be a $10 traveling charge. 

Also, if you can't supply your own vacuum, mop, broom, and dustpan, that will be an extra $5. I will provide everything else!
Girl...


There is a world of difference between me using your vacuum/mop/broom/dustpan because either you prefer/convenience/pets and charging me you extra for using something I should already supply.

A dollar says they all use generic spray duster on your good wood furniture.





Sunday

Certified Green House Cleaner

Green Seal Certified 'eh? Sounds impressive but wtf does it mean???
It means if I pay someone a fee they will certify my services are indeed green.
Hmm
Interesting.

These someones are not a 'entity' that you or I recognize-you know like the EPA or Good Housekeeping...so um...yeah I should pay you because why exactly?

"Institute of the Not Functioning Website (not their real name) certification works on both the perception of value for your company with your customers, and we strongly encourage the reality that you implement a Green practice with your Green products. Now, perception and reality agree, and your company needs not worry that you only pretend to be a Green janitorial service. To have a true certification, a reliable and third party program needs to set the standard of achievement and validate the accomplishment of those standards. "

Wait what?
I pay you and you give me the certification but I don't HAVE to be green?
I can pretend?
Reliable? I have no idea who you are and neither do my clients.
Yeah-no. Not this girlie.

This other program I have to pay based on the amount of employees I have
certification starts at $190
The Green Bullshit Certification does not sell or endorse products, charge for literature, offer or sell training courses.
Well that's good to know-then what am I paying for???

"Once achieving the Bullshit Green Certification, (real company named redacted) will e-mail the seals for your marketing effort. We suggest you display the seal(s) on your stationery, business cards, bid proposals and web site as anyone who sees it will be impressed. In a few days you will receive a package with your certificate and other marketing materials and the press release will be sent. For maximum image and marketing effort, we suggest you e-mail a copy of our press release to all your clients and prospects."

For real? I don't think so.
I understand people are easily impressed by seals and official looking things.
I'd rather WOW you with my work...but what do I know?
Spam my clients and prospects-because that always gets the business...NOT

I think I'm going to pass on the green house cleaner bullshit certification.
You need proof I'm a green cleaner?
Look in my cleaning bucket.


Thursday

Top Search Term: Norfolk Nude House Cleaners

What keywords do people type into search engines to find your site?
My top search keyword is 'norfolk nude house cleaners'
You now what? You dirty ass dudes are dirty.
Thankfully some of you have the good sense to realize you really want a clean house more than pseudo cleaners/hookers.
I love you dirty sons of bitches. So much.
Thanks for choosing a real cleaning lady over a nude 'house cleaner'.

Wednesday

An Open Letter to Chrissie the Crackhead Cleaner

Dearest Chrissie*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you-for being utterly full of fail and unreliable.
Thank you for doing less than a fuck all job of pretending to clean.
Thank you for your excuses and stories and lack of communication.
Because of you, I stay booked with a wait list.
You keep being your half ass self girl.
I love fixing your fail. It's what I do best.
~Me

*not her real name-but it does start with a C

Tuesday

Degrease All The Things

I bathe in coconut oil. For real.
I make this bath scrub with 2 parts brown sugar/1 part coconut oil/1 part Dr Bronner's (Almond).
This mix is great for my skin but my acrylic bathtub is a slip and slide of death.
It MUST be de-greased after I use it. On the plus side, the tub is a great testing ground for using various de-greasers.

409-It smells terrible. Fake lemon scent of death.
It does a meh job. Running plain hot water does the same job as this shit.
I breathed some in one day-WTF?!? Listen I huff chemicals on the real and that shit is vile.
It won't even get you high. Leave it on shelf.

Simple Green-once upon a time it was my go to.
They changed up something and it has an odd chemical-ish smell and doesn't clean worth a shit.
Nope nope nope is the nicest thing I can say about this product.

CitraSolv-I make no secret that I love me some CitraSolv.
HOWEVER...it will strip the finish right off some stuff it not diluted properly (this is important) and HOLY ORANGE SCENT.
I love the smell. The hubs-does not.
I would put this in my #1 spot if it scent didn't bother the Mr so much.

'Homemade' degreaser- 1 tsp original blue dawn 1/4c vinegar and water in a spray bottle.
Some people add lemon or orange oil to the mix. It's not required and I don't recommend getting all fancy with Essential Oils if you have pets or allergies and/or don't know wtf you're doing with EOs.
As a de-greaser it does a pretty ok job and is the most cost effective of the bunch.
It also does well as a general cleaner. Highly recommend.

For all of these I sprayed the product into my tub, let it sit 5 minutes and rinsed with hot straight out the tap City of Norfolk water.

Housecleaning for the Chronically Cluttered Norfolk, Virginia

Accepting New Clients Mid JULY 2021 I have multiple housecleaning clients leaving me for new adventures in far away places. I will have op...