Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts

Thursday

Dealing With Website Design Telemarketers

Last week I get a call about my website. Normally I don't answer random calls but I was bored and waiting on laundry to dry.

Not me: Is this the owner?
Me: This is Rebecca. (protip: never say yes, ok, correct or affirmative-it could be a scam trying to get your voice authorization)
Not me: blah blah website blah blah blah package blah blah google (no really I couldn't understand him)
Me: Wait what about my website?
Not me: Oh you have a website?
Me: If you'da done your research before calling me, you'd know this.
Not me: (not missing a beat) Well, we can redesign your website to bring you more customers and...
Me: *cuts him off* I'm not even taking new clients. Picking a new background for my website isn't going to change that.
Not me: You can go to our website and see our designs and pick one to bring you new clients.
Me: So wait, you're calling me on the phone to tell me to go to your website? WHO DOES THAT? Did you not just hear me when I said I'm not taking new clients.
Not me: So you don't want more clients for your business?
Me: Nope. I do not want more clients for my business.
Not me: *click*

I have sympathy for telemarketers. It's a hard hustle. What I don't have is patience for quasi-scam artists trying to take advantage of not internet savvy small business owners.
A new background template for your website isn't going to bring new customers. It's all in the keywords, SEO, relevant up to date content and good use of social media. New background...get out. #searchengineoptimization #longtailkeywords #properuseofhashtags #knowyouraudience

/rant

Monday

Why Don't You Just Expand Your Cleaning Service and Hire Employees?

My house cleaning services been mostly booked with a long wait-list for years.

Yesterday I'm pulling up to a cleaning client's house and their neighbor asks me for a business card. As I'm handing it to her, I give her the 'listen, I'm booked solid with a very long wait list and it might be a minute'.

and she's so very nice and I reaaaaalllly wanna take her on as a client but I truly do not have a space open.  MamaB needs time to clean her own filthy ass hovel.

This very nice lady says to me-why don't you just expand your cleaning service and hire employees? It's a question I've been asked a lot in the past few years.

So...here's why I don't hire people.

1. I can coax an employee to show up but I cannot make them care about my client's cleaning needs. At the end of the day, if a client is unhappy with their cleaning it's on me and me alone. My name is all I have. I'm not gonna rely on someone else to make or break my hard-earned good reputation in the name of a dollar.

2. Hiring employees means higher overhead. Quality employees deserve quality wages and I don't mean $10 hour. I'm not getting out of bed for that and I'd never ask anyone to clean for that. Employees mean setting up a different ownership structure, payroll and different insurance and more cleaning supplies...oh and having to actually rent a commercial space for said employees-because running a cleaning service out of your house is a nope.
I've worked for people who have run a cleaning business out of their house and I know firsthand what kind of shit comes with that. nuhuh. It's a hard pass for me.

3. I'd have to tell 75% of my current cleaning clients that certain services are no longer offered because of "liability issues" and "bio-hazards". I legally cannot require an employee to pick up animal waste on the floor or soiled diapers that have been mislaid. I'd have to tell clients their pets have to be crated or behind a door. Laundry service? Yeah there'd be no more of that.

4. People. Just no. I can't. I don't want to. The first time I'm hearing some excuses on a Friday about why they can't/won't gonna leave me hanging with 3 houses to clean Imma have to refrain from saying some shit that will get me sued. I don't wanna have to watch employees and wonder if they are trustworthy or will they break something or say some shit to insult my clients or...yeah just no. I don't like people enough to put up with that level of nope.

I'm happy working 6-7 days a week. I'm happy with petting all the dogs, scooping up cat shit and fixing fuckery.
This type of housecleaning isn't for everyone. I'm not the maid for everyone and that's ok.



Sunday

Moms to be- Is Your Cleaning Lady Vaccinated?

Vaccines are a touchy subject with some people. Especially grown ass people who don't believe they need a booster vaccine because they grown and you can't tell grown people shit.

I clean for a shit-ton of Doctors. Specifically pediatricians. #chkd #nmpc #evms

Yesterday while some of my Doctors were out there doing the #marchforscience I was out getting my Tdap vaccine updated.

Protesting isn't my thing. #marchforscience #vaccinessavelives

A post shared by ~Bek (@thatgreenmaid) on



I have multiple clients that have either:
recently given birth
are due to give birth soon
have just found out they are pregnant
are actively trying to get pregnant

Whooping cough kills babies ya'll. #vaccinessavelives
Anyone that is going to spend time in or around newborns should get that Tdap booster vaccine.
Don't get butthurt if a new mom says oh hell to no on you being in close quarters with her new baby because you failed to do so.
For us grown folks, whooping cough is usually mild and easily assumed to be "just a cold".
Did I mention whooping cough KILLS babies. Legit. Kills. It is horrific.
Even pregnant woman are strongly encouraged to get a Tdap booster between 27-36 weeks with EVERY SINGLE pregnancy.

At the end of the day you do you. Me-I got my Tdap. ...and I have a few openings for new clients in Norfolk, Va. Expecting and new moms welcome.

Saturday

Essential Oil Aromatherapy Toxin Free Housecleaning

Now that I've gotten your attention with some crunchy buzzwords...
This is not something I offer as a service and Imma explain a little of the why.

Not all essential oils (EOs) A-actually (EOs) and B-are safe to use around pets or kids.
Cats have a long ass list of EOs that are super duper toxic to them.
Dogs also have a list of EOs that they shouldn't be exposed to randomly.
Birds and fishes and all those other small exotics kids like to have---yeah they got a list of NO to EO as well.
Trying to remember what compounds are and aren't safe with which species is just not something I want to worry myself with in the name of cleaning your home.

Kristen Bell's book Holistic Aromatherapy for Animals is a must have for anyone interested in oils and how they positively and (sometimes negatively) interact with animals.

...moving on to humans...

If someone in your home has asthma, a lot of the clean smelling, breath of fresh air EOs are full of VOC (volatile organic compounds), which will probably trigger an asthma attack.

The EOs that are allegedly "good for allergies" are some of the very ones people are commonly allergic to either via breathing or skin contact.
My husband is very scent sensitive. Some of my favorite scents are completely off-limits because they trigger violent sneezing fits or all out hayfever type allergic reaction.

I've heard people (read: EO sales consultants) say shit like 'breaking out after using an EO is your body detoxing', or the oil is inferior quality.
No boo-it's an allergic reaction.


Further reading:
Robert Tisserand and Rodney Young-Essential Oil Safety: A Guide For Healthcare Professionals 2nd Edition.
This book is a must have for anyone interested in using EOs in their everyday life. Robert Tisserand is a highly respected authority in the field of aromatherapy and essential oil use and safety.

This isn't meant to scare anyone off using Essential Oils or Aromatherapy housecleaning.
I use EOs in daily life and have done so for over 20 years.
I feel it's important to make and use EO based cleaning products in your home safely.

Tuesday

Featured Expert Housecleaner

So...I got this email today.
'Hi Rebecca,

Just a heads up, we've mentioned you as one of the best house cleaners in Virginia Beach! 

As you’ll see on the award page below, we highlighted the top 16 experts out of hundreds of house cleaners that we reviewed:

www.fuckifimmalinktoyou.nope

We’re creating lists of the best local professionals in each US city to give our readers the confidence they need to make the right choice. To do so, we analyzed and scored each business across 25 criteria. 
 
Hope you like the feature and looking forward to getting your feedback.

Best,

He Who Tried It With Me
p.s. I respect your time. If you prefer that I no longer follow up with you, please let me know.'

Me: I'm not based in Virginia Beach nor do I service Virginia Beach. I have no plans of doing so in the near or distant future. 

He Who Tried It With Me: Sorry about the mix up Rebecca, where do you primarily service?

Wait-so lemmmie get this straight. You listed me as "best of" "top 16". You analyzed and scored across 25 criteria but can't remember that the front page of my website clearly states 5 different times where I service?
Yeah-take that ish up the road. I don't want no parts of that.

Monday

Cheap House Cleaners Buyer Beware

I make no secret that I have 0 patience for cheap ass cut rate house cleaners.
I just looked at a few ads on the CL and... It all smells like dollar store pine cleaner and dirty vacuums.
Imma say this with 1000000000% certainty. If someone is cleaning your house for next to nothing-they are not paying a dime in taxes on that income.
Some people shrug and say whatever-I'm getting a deal. It's not whatever. If your cut rate cleaner isn't paying her taxes, isn't legally cleared to work or is committing benefit fraud-that shit falls on you. In Hampton Roads, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone that has a security clearance of some kind courtesy of DoD.
Think some fail involving tax evasion or benefit fraud isn't going to affect your clearance? Trust, you gonna fucked on that deal.
If that doesn't move you, Imma just copy and paste some actual ads (in bold):

MOVE OUT/MOVE IN UNDER $50
Are you fucking for real with this? A 1 bedroom apt make ready cleaning is like 4 hours every day that ends with day. Self cleaning oven is 3 hours...oh wait...
*interior of your refrigerator and stove for an extra charge.
Gurl bye. That is standard move in/out service. Extra charge. Get the entire hell out.

Know what I do for $50? A one bedroom/one occupant/no pets weekly cleaning service. I don't know any reputable cleaner that is gonna get out of bed for a $50 move out clean. 

I'm available 24/7. My rates are negotiable.
RUN. I know some cleaners (myself included) that do 2nd and 3rd shift cleaning but 24/7. Nuhuh. And will let you decide their worth? It's all red flags. Don't listen to me.

If Your not satisfied with my services your gaurenteed free service ..
I'm not satisfied with this sentence. It might need to go to rehab.

CLEANING SPECIAL!!! Basic one-time cleaning for $50 if you have a 2 bedroom! NO ESTIMATE, THIS IS THE PRICE!  CALL (5fiven0pe who still does that)  First come first serve! Only but so many slots, so get yours today!

(Redacted) are my district areas. If you need cleaning done in (also redacted)? There will be a $10 traveling charge. 

Also, if you can't supply your own vacuum, mop, broom, and dustpan, that will be an extra $5. I will provide everything else!
Girl...


There is a world of difference between me using your vacuum/mop/broom/dustpan because either you prefer/convenience/pets and charging me you extra for using something I should already supply.

A dollar says they all use generic spray duster on your good wood furniture.





Sunday

Certified Green House Cleaner

Green Seal Certified 'eh? Sounds impressive but wtf does it mean???
It means if I pay someone a fee they will certify my services are indeed green.
Hmm
Interesting.

These someones are not a 'entity' that you or I recognize-you know like the EPA or Good Housekeeping...so um...yeah I should pay you because why exactly?

"Institute of the Not Functioning Website (not their real name) certification works on both the perception of value for your company with your customers, and we strongly encourage the reality that you implement a Green practice with your Green products. Now, perception and reality agree, and your company needs not worry that you only pretend to be a Green janitorial service. To have a true certification, a reliable and third party program needs to set the standard of achievement and validate the accomplishment of those standards. "

Wait what?
I pay you and you give me the certification but I don't HAVE to be green?
I can pretend?
Reliable? I have no idea who you are and neither do my clients.
Yeah-no. Not this girlie.

This other program I have to pay based on the amount of employees I have
certification starts at $190
The Green Bullshit Certification does not sell or endorse products, charge for literature, offer or sell training courses.
Well that's good to know-then what am I paying for???

"Once achieving the Bullshit Green Certification, (real company named redacted) will e-mail the seals for your marketing effort. We suggest you display the seal(s) on your stationery, business cards, bid proposals and web site as anyone who sees it will be impressed. In a few days you will receive a package with your certificate and other marketing materials and the press release will be sent. For maximum image and marketing effort, we suggest you e-mail a copy of our press release to all your clients and prospects."

For real? I don't think so.
I understand people are easily impressed by seals and official looking things.
I'd rather WOW you with my work...but what do I know?
Spam my clients and prospects-because that always gets the business...NOT

I think I'm going to pass on the green house cleaner bullshit certification.
You need proof I'm a green cleaner?
Look in my cleaning bucket.


Saturday

Quality Cleaning Over Quantity

They say cheap things attract many buyers-which is the number one reason my cleaning services are not cheap.
I'm all about a good deal but my bargain basement mentality is limited to bargain basement type places.
I don't do discounts or groupon or run specials. I don't want that business---because 9 times out of 10 it isn't business.
It's one person that isn't coming back or referring me to others. It is me working for less than I'm worth for someone who flat out doesn't care and won't hesitate to complain over something petty like not wiping a light switch.*dead serious*
Does that make me uppity?


This maid is not going to offer up some $99 special to stand in a house in a sketchass neighborhood and listen to a litany of random complaints about nothing and everything about some other maid service from a person trying to get me to stay 10 hours and play Cinderella. No thanks. Been there and done that. It sucked in my 20s. I'm sure it still sucks in my 40s. /runonsetence

I am blessed with a full client load of utterly fabulous and amazing people. Wait-AMAZING people. No...hold on...

UTTERLY FABULOUS AMAZING PEOPLE

I'm only interested in cleaning for equally utterly fabulous amazing people seeking pet friendly green housecleaning in Norfolk, Va. #seewhatididthere


If you want the cheapest cleaning service out there-you can find it all day long in the 757. There is no shortage of here today gone tomorrow housecleaners.
I'm sure you can talk them straight down to $75 to do a move out clean your entire house.
I bet they can even come clean your home tomorrow.

If you want someone that offers up a quality house cleaning-you might have to search a little bit and hope they have an opening in the near-ish future for you.

'The quality is remembered long after the price is forgotten.' ~Sir Henry Royce

Thursday

Bleach Is Not A Cleaning Product

I read this on a cleaning tips website "Bleach is a very effective green cleaning solution." sigh
Bleach is NOT a cleaning solution. Lather Rinse Repeat-not a cleaning solution.

It is a disinfectant-something one does to an already clean surface to prevent the spread of bacteria. For years, bleach has helped purify water – particularly during times of disaster.
When used properly bleach also helps kill germs and various bacteria that make people ill.
Bleach is a great mildew and stain remover when used according to directions.
Bleach also makes it impossible to use other cleaners since mixing bleach with other chemicals like ammonia can cause toxic gases.
Even using bleach along side other cleaning products can cause problems-which is why many cleaning products carry a warning stating do not mix with other cleaning products or products containing bleach.
Bleach is the world's most powerful and effective DISINFECTANT but it is not and never will be a stand alone cleaning solution.

I won't lie-I love bleach. LOVE. The fumes from bleach---not so much---which is why I stopped using bleach and went green in the first place.
For mildew--it is still my go to. Past that...not so much.
Saying 'Bleach is a very effective green cleaning solution' is not only misleading but does bleach a disservice.
Bleach is what it is-a disinfectant, stain removal and laundry whitener. Not a cleaning product... /rant

Hi I'm From Yelp Calling About Your Home Cleaning Norfolk Listing

*post from original blog spring 2015-I'd go look to see if the # has changed but some girl from Yelp is already up my ass with the calls and emails*

I get at least  3 of these calls a month from people supposedly from Yelp wanting to 'help' me with my listing.
Normally I say upfront  Listen I'm booked with a 3 month wait list so. . . and they thank me for my time and hang up.
Except tonight. Maybe it's Mercury in Retrograde or maybe dude was super dumb because he was ready to go toe to toe with me on why I NEED to pay them to something something boost my Yelp listing.
Dude guy trying to tell me I'm on page 15. Bitch no. I'm #24. Not page 24. Number 24.
Then he wants to read me the first 5 people in the Home Cleaning category for Norfolk on Yelp. Since he read them to me I know he searched Housecleaning.
#1-eco-friendly pet friendly team house cleaning. innovative cleaning options. get your deal on.
#2-pressure washing service. not even the right category.
#3-franchise home cleaning service with a bad review.
#4-carpet cleaning service. again wrong category.
#5-already out of business. domain is available. maybe i should buy it. moving on
#6-aaand another carpet cleaning service.
#7-is a house cleaning/remodel/we buy houses/ yeah um ok. i call miscategorized.
#8-yet another carpet cleaner
#9-oh look an actual local same cleaner every time home cleaning service in Norfolk.
#10-senior concierge and errand service.
So basically those 4200 people a month  searching for cleaning services like mine (his words) called #1, maaaaaaybe called #9 or more likely said FUCK THIS after page 1 and typed some specific search terms into yelp.
IF they typed in Green Housecleaning-I'm #15.
IF they are my target clientele, they typed in (keywords I'm not sharing here) where I'm what number? NUMBER ONE.  
Dude from Yelp wasn't trying to hear was me saying to him point blank "the most important thing in business is KNOWING who your target clients are and going after them."
Niche SEO Bitches. I knows it. I uses it.
Your 4200 searches ain't shit to start with-but trust my maybe 10 targeted specific searches a month are people looking for me, myself and I.
This is why I stay booked with great long term cleaning clients.
This is also why I won't pay dude from Yelp a dime to help me do fuck all in the general category of Home Cleaning.
Those are not my clients.

*if you're reading this, you probably are my client-welcome-lemmie fix your life*

Top Search Term: Norfolk Nude House Cleaners

What keywords do people type into search engines to find your site?
My top search keyword is 'norfolk nude house cleaners'
You now what? You dirty ass dudes are dirty.
Thankfully some of you have the good sense to realize you really want a clean house more than pseudo cleaners/hookers.
I love you dirty sons of bitches. So much.
Thanks for choosing a real cleaning lady over a nude 'house cleaner'.

Wednesday

An Open Letter to Chrissie the Crackhead Cleaner

Dearest Chrissie*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you-for being utterly full of fail and unreliable.
Thank you for doing less than a fuck all job of pretending to clean.
Thank you for your excuses and stories and lack of communication.
Because of you, I stay booked with a wait list.
You keep being your half ass self girl.
I love fixing your fail. It's what I do best.
~Me

*not her real name-but it does start with a C

Saturday

No I Am Not Hiring

At least twice a week, I get this call: Can I speak to your hiring manager? Are you hiring?
Never mind every page of my website clearly says I am not hiring-ever.
Obviously those words mean call me anyway.
To add insult to the stupid, these calls are usually around noon. Bitch please.
I like to sleep in till 930 on any day that ends in day but NOON?
Girl you are not even serious about trying to work.
You don't call ANY business at Noon asking about no damn job. Especially a maid service.
You know where house cleaners are at noon? WORK. That's where.


I like my clients knowing they can rely on me and me and me.
So no, I'm not hiring.
Ever.

Selectively Accepting New Clients

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